I don't have much time tonight to write much, but I do want to express my gratitude for the grace, mercy, and love from God. I was able to attend my 12 step meeting tonight, and the love, compassion and struggle and fight for life was so strong there. I was grateful to hear the hope and strength that the individuals there shared. It has been quite some time since I have actually felt love from my Heavenly Father, but tonight, even if it only did last for a short moment I felt that he did love me. And that I am his child. It was a nice feeling. it was nice to be in a room full of people who I felt could understand and relate with me in some way. I could feel peace for just a moment, and it was nice. This week so far has been kind of hard. I have really struggled with accepting myself. Sometimes I just hate myself so much that I want to jump out of my skin, or hurt or punish myself in some way. I've had a hard time with feelings of inadequacy, but I know that through the help of God I can move towards a place where I can love and accept myself for who I am, the way I am, without having the desire to want to change myself in order to fit in or to 'feel' 'good enough'. There is a lot of truth in the fact that one needs to get to a place where they can love themselves to fully love others as well. Well, I'm going to get myself some Zzz's and start fresh tomorrow with a new day, with new possibilities!!
"Life is way too short to spend another day at war with yourself."
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Oh man, I am not too good at keeping up with being consistent with blogging everyday. Oh well, I try. :) My family and I are all very excited. My brother Bryson and his cute wife Reagan are in the hospital expecting the birth of their twin boys!! I am so excited to welcome those sweet boys into this world. Identical twin boys! Ahh I can't believe it. How fun! Reagan will definitely be busy and have her hands full!! I can't imagine having twins. She sure has been a trooper though throughout her pregnancy. Right now the doctors are giving us the news that they are looking healthy, even though they are early things are looking up as of now, so that is really good news to hear. I cannot wait to see them and to hold them. I love holding babies. Its got to be one of the greatest feelings in the world to be holding a baby and have them cuddle up against your body and have them fall asleep. Oh I love that feeling! I am excited for both Reagan and Bryson to have the opportunity to have kids and become parents. They both have come a long ways in their lives, both of them in recovery from drug addiction. I am excited for them to have this experience and grow from it. They both are huge supporters and motivators to me in my own recovery. They amaze me so much! I really love them and feel grateful to have them both in my life. Bryson sure choose well and is lucky to have someone as great as Reagan as his wife, which in turn makes me extremely lucky to have her as my sister in law :) She is so beautiful, inside and out. I just love them both so much!
Today kicks off the beginning of National Eating Disorder Awareness week! Woot Woot! Dang, trying to recover from an eating disorder is no simple task. I probably won't be the first to admit that it is HARD! I am not always sure that I truly have the strength within myself to beat this. Sometimes I question whether God really knew what he was doing when he decided to give me this trial...but I continue to hope that somehow He does have a plan and believes in my ability to recover and learn and grow from this challenge that is ever so present in my life. It is hard to trust that I actually can do it though. I do however believe in a FULL recovery. I believe that one can actually be free from the chains that entangle their soul, body, heart, and being, I just haven't figured it out completely. I can say though that I definitely am on the path. That's what life is about though right, having trials come up along the journey, taking a few (or in my case many detours) and then getting back on the saddle and riding again; learning and becoming a better person because of the things we are faced with. It's all a beautiful thing if you think about it.
There are many experiences that I have had that I will eventually share, but for today I want to write about one. So one day while I was at the Center, I was having a rough day and probably wasn't being my best self. Poor techs, they sure have a hard job having to deal with me when I am wanting to be in my eating disorder and not wanting them to be making me eat or do the hard things that I don't want to be doing, yet still showing me love and support, ha for the most part:) Anyway, to say the least this particular day I was being a brat and being defiant. One of the techs, her name is Caroline, she pulled me back and said, "Erin, what is going on? I have a question for you, do you really want to recover?" "I mean do you really want it this time? I see your struggle and it makes me wonder where you are at with it all." At first I was a bit taken back. My first reaction was to be defensive and blow up at her. I wanted to say, "Ya know what Caroline, no I don't want to! You and everyone else needs to stay the hell away from me and quit making me do the shitty things that I DO NOT WANT TO DO!" But instead of impulsively acting out and yelling that to her, I took a step back, breathed, and thought about it. There was a lot of value in what Caroline was asking me. That question however scared the crap out of me. At that point I honestly didn't know the answer to that question. I felt ashamed, weak, and hopeless that I didn't feel like I did have an answer to her question. I felt a bit embarrassed by her approaching me with this conversation because she was one of the few techs that had been at the Center for all 3 times that I was there. So I felt pressure, that I placed on myself, to have a solid answer to give her, heck, this was my third time through this process! Why hadn't I had it all figured out yet! With my head down and staring at the ground I started crying and just had such an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing, or what I wanted. I really kicked myself and wondered why I yet again made the decision to admit myself back to the Center for more intensive care. I felt overwhelmed and wanted most to curl up in a ball and have someone kick me away into the corner and leave me there. Caroline was very patient and loving towards me. She waited for me to reply to her question. I finally got out the words, "I don't know. I don't know how to do this Caroline..." My words for once weren't coming from a place of anger and defiance, but rather from a humbled teachable place. I realized for that moment that I actually was powerless over my addiction that ran my life. I was surprised with my ability to allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable to her and open up to her because Caroline was one of the techs that really intimidated me and I felt threatened by her. I never really had a deep heart to heart conversation with her before, and that is my fault because I never allowed myself to be open with her, because I did have many opportunities that I could have. Looking back now I feel sad that I didn't take advantage of the times that I could have grown closer to her. She is very wise and has a heart that really does care and love. I feel very blessed that she approached me and was willing to talk to me that night. From that point on I really felt connected to Caroline and loved her. As we talked, she too shared some personal hardships that she too has dealt with and still does. This really allowed me to feel connected to her on a emotional and personal level that I so needed that night. I feel like this, what may seem simple to others, but to me a very pivotal experience in my journey was a blessing. I feel grateful to Caroline to be open to the inspiration from God ,I believe, to see the fact that I was hurting and struggling and needed her at that time to be an answer to my prayers. At the end of our conversation she let me know that she loved me, and that she really did care about me and that she saw such a great strength and fight in me. She said that she so badly wanted to see me beat my eating disorder and over come it to move on to better and greater things in life, and really live up to my potential. She then embraced me with a hug. I felt so touched by this encounter. It is hard for me to hear people say and think good things about me, because I don't believe them about myself. Like most women with eating disorders, I am very hard on myself and I felt honored in a way to hear from Caroline that she believed in me. I don't know why I feel inspired to write about this particular experience today, maybe it is simply for myself. Maybe this encounter I needed to be reminded of today to re-establish the things I know to be true and that I learned at the Center. To help me recommit to myself to the goals for my life that I really want to accomplish. And however, dying from my eating disorder happens to NOT be one of them! I am so full of gratitude for all those in my life. I don't even know how to thank everyone for being a support and friend to me. This life is hard, and I selfishly think that at times I can and will do it completely on my own and don't need or want the help of those around me, all of you, and from my Heavenly Father, but I have to continually humble myself and admit that as much as I hate it, I do need help. We weren't sent here to this Earth to do it alone, no one was. My goal that I am going to have in mind this week with it being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, is that of I want to be able to fall in love with myself and life once again. I want to continue to find happiness, and embrace myself and life that I was so graciously given to want to continue to keep living it and fighting for what I know to be true and live up to my full potential. And this is only possible without an eating disorder. I want to challenge everyone and anyone reading my blog, to begin to be mindful of those around you. For everyone is fighting a hard fight in their own personal ways, some may be more apparent than others, but everyone at some point hurts inside. Love those around you. Say hi, smile, send a nice text, or even better snail mail!! Help make someone else's day while in turn you too can make your own.
At the Center, our yoga teacher LeAnne, whom by the way is amazing! Love her! At the end of each of her classes we would intertwine our fingers and reach them up toward the ceiling and lean our heads back and say, 'Namaste' She then would say, "now look up and smile, don't let this be the last smile of your day." It may seem silly to others but I really took this to heart. That phrase always made me reflect on my day and think humm...have I really been as kind and loving as I could have been today? Did I smile and let those who I love and care about know how I feel about them? Did I allow myself to enjoy today, and embrace one of the small gifts of smiling that comes with enjoying those who surround me? I really liked that LeAnne would end each class with that. It was a good time to reflect.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that with it being a full moon and all that Reagan can have her baby boys and they can come into this world well and healthy!
Today kicks off the beginning of National Eating Disorder Awareness week! Woot Woot! Dang, trying to recover from an eating disorder is no simple task. I probably won't be the first to admit that it is HARD! I am not always sure that I truly have the strength within myself to beat this. Sometimes I question whether God really knew what he was doing when he decided to give me this trial...but I continue to hope that somehow He does have a plan and believes in my ability to recover and learn and grow from this challenge that is ever so present in my life. It is hard to trust that I actually can do it though. I do however believe in a FULL recovery. I believe that one can actually be free from the chains that entangle their soul, body, heart, and being, I just haven't figured it out completely. I can say though that I definitely am on the path. That's what life is about though right, having trials come up along the journey, taking a few (or in my case many detours) and then getting back on the saddle and riding again; learning and becoming a better person because of the things we are faced with. It's all a beautiful thing if you think about it.
There are many experiences that I have had that I will eventually share, but for today I want to write about one. So one day while I was at the Center, I was having a rough day and probably wasn't being my best self. Poor techs, they sure have a hard job having to deal with me when I am wanting to be in my eating disorder and not wanting them to be making me eat or do the hard things that I don't want to be doing, yet still showing me love and support, ha for the most part:) Anyway, to say the least this particular day I was being a brat and being defiant. One of the techs, her name is Caroline, she pulled me back and said, "Erin, what is going on? I have a question for you, do you really want to recover?" "I mean do you really want it this time? I see your struggle and it makes me wonder where you are at with it all." At first I was a bit taken back. My first reaction was to be defensive and blow up at her. I wanted to say, "Ya know what Caroline, no I don't want to! You and everyone else needs to stay the hell away from me and quit making me do the shitty things that I DO NOT WANT TO DO!" But instead of impulsively acting out and yelling that to her, I took a step back, breathed, and thought about it. There was a lot of value in what Caroline was asking me. That question however scared the crap out of me. At that point I honestly didn't know the answer to that question. I felt ashamed, weak, and hopeless that I didn't feel like I did have an answer to her question. I felt a bit embarrassed by her approaching me with this conversation because she was one of the few techs that had been at the Center for all 3 times that I was there. So I felt pressure, that I placed on myself, to have a solid answer to give her, heck, this was my third time through this process! Why hadn't I had it all figured out yet! With my head down and staring at the ground I started crying and just had such an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me. I felt lost and confused. I didn't know what I was doing, or what I wanted. I really kicked myself and wondered why I yet again made the decision to admit myself back to the Center for more intensive care. I felt overwhelmed and wanted most to curl up in a ball and have someone kick me away into the corner and leave me there. Caroline was very patient and loving towards me. She waited for me to reply to her question. I finally got out the words, "I don't know. I don't know how to do this Caroline..." My words for once weren't coming from a place of anger and defiance, but rather from a humbled teachable place. I realized for that moment that I actually was powerless over my addiction that ran my life. I was surprised with my ability to allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable to her and open up to her because Caroline was one of the techs that really intimidated me and I felt threatened by her. I never really had a deep heart to heart conversation with her before, and that is my fault because I never allowed myself to be open with her, because I did have many opportunities that I could have. Looking back now I feel sad that I didn't take advantage of the times that I could have grown closer to her. She is very wise and has a heart that really does care and love. I feel very blessed that she approached me and was willing to talk to me that night. From that point on I really felt connected to Caroline and loved her. As we talked, she too shared some personal hardships that she too has dealt with and still does. This really allowed me to feel connected to her on a emotional and personal level that I so needed that night. I feel like this, what may seem simple to others, but to me a very pivotal experience in my journey was a blessing. I feel grateful to Caroline to be open to the inspiration from God ,I believe, to see the fact that I was hurting and struggling and needed her at that time to be an answer to my prayers. At the end of our conversation she let me know that she loved me, and that she really did care about me and that she saw such a great strength and fight in me. She said that she so badly wanted to see me beat my eating disorder and over come it to move on to better and greater things in life, and really live up to my potential. She then embraced me with a hug. I felt so touched by this encounter. It is hard for me to hear people say and think good things about me, because I don't believe them about myself. Like most women with eating disorders, I am very hard on myself and I felt honored in a way to hear from Caroline that she believed in me. I don't know why I feel inspired to write about this particular experience today, maybe it is simply for myself. Maybe this encounter I needed to be reminded of today to re-establish the things I know to be true and that I learned at the Center. To help me recommit to myself to the goals for my life that I really want to accomplish. And however, dying from my eating disorder happens to NOT be one of them! I am so full of gratitude for all those in my life. I don't even know how to thank everyone for being a support and friend to me. This life is hard, and I selfishly think that at times I can and will do it completely on my own and don't need or want the help of those around me, all of you, and from my Heavenly Father, but I have to continually humble myself and admit that as much as I hate it, I do need help. We weren't sent here to this Earth to do it alone, no one was. My goal that I am going to have in mind this week with it being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, is that of I want to be able to fall in love with myself and life once again. I want to continue to find happiness, and embrace myself and life that I was so graciously given to want to continue to keep living it and fighting for what I know to be true and live up to my full potential. And this is only possible without an eating disorder. I want to challenge everyone and anyone reading my blog, to begin to be mindful of those around you. For everyone is fighting a hard fight in their own personal ways, some may be more apparent than others, but everyone at some point hurts inside. Love those around you. Say hi, smile, send a nice text, or even better snail mail!! Help make someone else's day while in turn you too can make your own.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that with it being a full moon and all that Reagan can have her baby boys and they can come into this world well and healthy!
 | ||
| My cute family at Bryson and Reagan's wedding. November 17th, 2012 |
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
This morning when I was taking a shower and after I got out, my bathroom was all steamy from how hot my shower was. It reminded me of when I was at the Center, there was this one room where the smoke detector was super sensitive. So, whenever I took a shower I would set off the fire alarm. haha, good thing I wasn't in that room for too long. I always felt so bad especially for the new girls that they would get woken up by the ear piercing sound of the fire alarm. It was super funny though because when the fire alarm goes off then we all have to go outside (just part of protocol with the fire alarm going off an all), so since I would set it off in the morning when everyone was getting ready we would all be in our towels naked and wet or half way done getting ready and the techs would come by rounding us up to go outside. Ya don't even worry that this was all in the middle of winter up in Orem so it was all snowy and freezing and there was always a few who were wet and wrapped up in a towel ha. Oh man, those were some good mornings. I'm pretty sure every one hated me whenever I'd shower:) Oh well, you have to find joy and laughter in the small stupid things in life, especially in a place like that!
I want to share a poem that I wrote:
I pray to got to take me
Relieve me of this hell.
Let me die.
disappear into nothingness.
Empty
Each passing day is like the one before.
I am a broken soul
Housed inside the one thing
I despise.
The images of what I should be,
and what I should accomplish
to be considered
accepted and beautiful to this world
linger in my every thought.
I am not good enough.
Punishment; I deserve this.
My mind thrives from the pain,
the release I feel as the blood
drips from my body.
Scars represent the bad
that I am.
I feel shame and guilt for
simply being me.
A new seed is planted.
It stretches forth its roots.
Soaking up the sun.
Thriving.
Time; slowly it ticks away.
Storms come, it seems
as if there is no mercy.
My soul is anguished
my heart hardened.
God is good.
He is forgiving and loving
Just when it seems like all is lost,
destroyed, hopeless,
He extends his hand
from above.
My weak helpless body lies
still.
Soaked from the moisture
that leaks from my broken
soul.
He cares. He mends the pieces
that I no longer can.
I am spared, yet again.
I am reminded of the gift that I am.
That my body is.
I am blessed.
Vibrance is restored again.
Slowly the roots find their familiar
place within the ground
and hold tight.
Unwilling to let go.
They are strong
beaten and thrashed around
it is not easy.
Glimpses of the beauty of
this life are flashed before
the windows to my soul.
Laughter fills my heart.
Steadily; strong it beats.
Not going to give.
Once i was weak. I listened
to the darkness that filled
my mind. Lonely and detached
Now I am strong.
A fighter.
My life is guided by faith.
True knowledge. It lies in the
center of my being.
Steadily it beats. Constant
I am filled with hope and light.
I am happy.
This is my life.
I have been given such a beautiful gift.
Grateful is how I feel.
Although I cannot always feel
Him; I know he is there,
holding my hand guiding
me through this journey
of Life.
i am loved. It is not easy. I cry
and at times I loose hope. I continue to be
carried through the tumbling
fierce waves that try to
tear me down and eat away at my every
fiber.
But I will thrive. I choose to live.
To embrace this gift.
I want to share a poem that I wrote:
I pray to got to take me
Relieve me of this hell.
Let me die.
disappear into nothingness.
Empty
Each passing day is like the one before.
I am a broken soul
Housed inside the one thing
I despise.
The images of what I should be,
and what I should accomplish
to be considered
accepted and beautiful to this world
linger in my every thought.
I am not good enough.
Punishment; I deserve this.
My mind thrives from the pain,
the release I feel as the blood
drips from my body.
Scars represent the bad
that I am.
I feel shame and guilt for
simply being me.
A new seed is planted.
It stretches forth its roots.
Soaking up the sun.
Thriving.
Time; slowly it ticks away.
Storms come, it seems
as if there is no mercy.
My soul is anguished
my heart hardened.
God is good.
He is forgiving and loving
Just when it seems like all is lost,
destroyed, hopeless,
He extends his hand
from above.
My weak helpless body lies
still.
Soaked from the moisture
that leaks from my broken
soul.
He cares. He mends the pieces
that I no longer can.
I am spared, yet again.
I am reminded of the gift that I am.
That my body is.
I am blessed.
Vibrance is restored again.
Slowly the roots find their familiar
place within the ground
and hold tight.
Unwilling to let go.
They are strong
beaten and thrashed around
it is not easy.
Glimpses of the beauty of
this life are flashed before
the windows to my soul.
Laughter fills my heart.
Steadily; strong it beats.
Not going to give.
Once i was weak. I listened
to the darkness that filled
my mind. Lonely and detached
Now I am strong.
A fighter.
My life is guided by faith.
True knowledge. It lies in the
center of my being.
Steadily it beats. Constant
I am filled with hope and light.
I am happy.
This is my life.
I have been given such a beautiful gift.
Grateful is how I feel.
Although I cannot always feel
Him; I know he is there,
holding my hand guiding
me through this journey
of Life.
i am loved. It is not easy. I cry
and at times I loose hope. I continue to be
carried through the tumbling
fierce waves that try to
tear me down and eat away at my every
fiber.
But I will thrive. I choose to live.
To embrace this gift.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Just to get it out there, today has been so *beepedy beep beep* hard! today I feel like giving up. I can't handle this life I've been given anymore. I feel like I have tried many times to mend my broken soul, yet I am still failing. I feel broken and alone. As my mom has told me these past couple of days that she loves me as well as my family does, and it hasn't meant anything to me. It's just been like, ok great, I don't really care. I want to hide in a deep dark hole and never come out again. I don't know what it is today. I'm guessing that all of these intense emotions I am feeling right now and my depression will lessen, because I know feelings pass and they don't last forever... I really am thinking of one interaction with an individual that I have encountered since coming home from the Center that is causing me so much distress and heartache, and I probably am not dealing with it in the best ways possible since I seem to be letting it affect every aspect of my life. I have been vulnerable, and that is hard for me, uncomfortable and I don't necessarily like doing it, but I thought that is where things have to start is by taking risks, if that doesn't happen then yes I will stay stuck and never move on from where I are in life. So I did. And all I got in return was burned. I feel ridiculous for letting myself feel this way but i feel sad and hurt.
Ya know what, its hard to live in this world when I have these images painted in my mind of how I want or think things should go and it never seems to happen that way or even at all. It really sucks. One thing that keeps popping up as a life tool and value that I need to learn and perfect is that of patience. If you know me well at all then you know that I am very stubborn and I like things to happen how I'd like them and I like control, or to feel like I have things under control. Patience is not one of my strengths, but I am working on it. I don't feel good enough. Not for anything. Not pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, witty enough, kind enough, driven/ motivated enough, capable enough...(this list could go on forever). I don't know how to be accepted or liked by people. This is really hard for me because a lot of the time I feel like I just need to be able to accept the reality that I just am not all these things that I wish and aspire to be, but it's hard because I want to be these things. I guess this is one of the great lies of my addiction. I have implemented my eating disorder to try to fill the void and emptiness that I feel inside. To make up for my shortcomings, however I of all people should know by now that that doesn't work, at all. It only leads to more emptiness and despair. Its very twisted that sometimes I feel myself craving those feelings of loneliness and sadness rather than happiness...Well tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start, another day to try to solidify myself, values, worth, and to discover the things in this life that truly are important and hold value to me. Today I am grateful that I can close my eyes, breath, and know that somehow, some way things will find their way of working out just how they need to!
Ya know what, its hard to live in this world when I have these images painted in my mind of how I want or think things should go and it never seems to happen that way or even at all. It really sucks. One thing that keeps popping up as a life tool and value that I need to learn and perfect is that of patience. If you know me well at all then you know that I am very stubborn and I like things to happen how I'd like them and I like control, or to feel like I have things under control. Patience is not one of my strengths, but I am working on it. I don't feel good enough. Not for anything. Not pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, witty enough, kind enough, driven/ motivated enough, capable enough...(this list could go on forever). I don't know how to be accepted or liked by people. This is really hard for me because a lot of the time I feel like I just need to be able to accept the reality that I just am not all these things that I wish and aspire to be, but it's hard because I want to be these things. I guess this is one of the great lies of my addiction. I have implemented my eating disorder to try to fill the void and emptiness that I feel inside. To make up for my shortcomings, however I of all people should know by now that that doesn't work, at all. It only leads to more emptiness and despair. Its very twisted that sometimes I feel myself craving those feelings of loneliness and sadness rather than happiness...Well tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start, another day to try to solidify myself, values, worth, and to discover the things in this life that truly are important and hold value to me. Today I am grateful that I can close my eyes, breath, and know that somehow, some way things will find their way of working out just how they need to!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
So yesterday I had kind of a weird experience ha. So I came home from work and was parking in front of my house, and there was a man walking down the sidewalk with his kids, so I smile. He then knocks on my window and says, "wow your good at parking (while he is laughing) I'd give ya a "D"." Ya to say the least I felt pretty stupid. I know I'm not awesome at parking but I didn't actually think that someone would care to make it a point to tell me. :) haha it was pretty funny though, I was like parked crooked and a ways away from the curb. I just awkwardly laughed with him and was like umm...thanks? Oh then I am pulling out of the bank and there is this creepy homeless/hitchhiker guy with this gnarly hair and this nasty braided rat tail that was like a foot long, at that point I'm not even sure it's called a rat tail, but any way he looks at me winks and nods his head at me and then sticks his thumb out like I was going to pick him up or something! Eww, heck no!! I was so creeped out, and it wasn't like I could hide either cause I had to wait for cars to pass before I could get out on the road and get away. Ahh don't look at me don't look at me, please just go away. Haha. well unfortunately for me those are the only men I can attract... I too haven't figured out why that is.
Recovery wise, today has been a rougher one. My depression has been fairly high, and when that happens it can tend to be difficult to push away the self harm urges. I hate that when I do begin to feel not so great about myself or my worth, the thoughts of not caring of what I do to myself enters. And that sometimes I feel like I "deserve" to hurt and destroy myself by doing destructive things. It's these times when I realize that the adversary is very real, and that is exactly what he wants me to do.
Lately I really want to:
1.) go horse riding
2.) rock climbing/rappelling
3.) play sand volleyball
4.) travel- get accepted to a study abroad program and peace out
5.) drink chocolate milk to my hearts content, ha but unfortunately I wouldn't let myself do that
6.) go on a date with some stud of a man:)
Recovery wise, today has been a rougher one. My depression has been fairly high, and when that happens it can tend to be difficult to push away the self harm urges. I hate that when I do begin to feel not so great about myself or my worth, the thoughts of not caring of what I do to myself enters. And that sometimes I feel like I "deserve" to hurt and destroy myself by doing destructive things. It's these times when I realize that the adversary is very real, and that is exactly what he wants me to do.
Lately I really want to:
1.) go horse riding
2.) rock climbing/rappelling
3.) play sand volleyball
4.) travel- get accepted to a study abroad program and peace out
5.) drink chocolate milk to my hearts content, ha but unfortunately I wouldn't let myself do that
6.) go on a date with some stud of a man:)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Today, right now, I am sick and tired of letting this addiction, this monster, Satan, Anorexia, whatever it is you want to call it rule and control my life. This is my life, and I choose to live it. This by no means, means that I do not struggle everyday, sometimes even every minute that passes, but it means that I continue to make the commitment to myself to try something new. Try to live in opposition of what ED would want me to do. And I don't always succeed. I fail, a lot, but what is new is that I have finally found the strength inside of my soul to pick myself back up and move forward. It is time for me look forward, not backwards, I'm not going that way anymore. There is so much fear and anxiety inside of me. Often I feel overwhelmed by it. My future is unsure. At any given time things can change. That is part of the addiction that I have to let go of. The control. I pray to God that somehow I can muster up the power within me, that I continue to hope is there because I do question myself and ability, to not only face, but to embrace what lies ahead me in my journey. This is a beautiful journey. This is a beautiful fight, still is and I am not done yet...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)