Just to get it out there, today has been so *beepedy beep beep* hard!  today I feel like giving up.  I can't handle this life I've been given anymore.  I feel like I have tried many times to mend my broken soul, yet I am still failing.  I feel broken and alone.  As my mom has told me these past couple of days that she loves me as well as my family does, and it hasn't meant anything to me.  It's just been like, ok great, I don't really care.  I want to hide in a deep dark hole and never come out again.  I don't know what it is today.  I'm guessing that all of these intense emotions I am feeling right now and my depression will lessen, because I know feelings pass and they don't last forever...  I really am thinking of one interaction with an individual that I have encountered since coming home from the Center that is causing me so much distress and heartache, and I probably am not dealing with it in the best ways possible since I seem to be letting it affect every aspect of my life.  I have been vulnerable, and that is hard for me, uncomfortable and I don't necessarily like doing it, but I thought that is where things have to start is by taking risks, if that doesn't happen then yes I will stay stuck and never move on from where I are in life.  So I did.  And all I got in return was burned.  I feel ridiculous for letting myself feel this way but i feel sad and hurt. 

Ya know what, its hard to live in this world when I have these images painted in my mind of how I want or think things should go and it never seems to happen that way or even at all.  It really sucks.  One thing that keeps popping up as a life tool and value that I need to learn and perfect is that of patience.  If you know me well at all then you know that I am very stubborn and I like things to happen how I'd like them and I like control, or to feel like I have things under control.  Patience is not one of my strengths, but I am working on it.  I don't feel good enough.  Not for anything.  Not pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, witty enough, kind enough, driven/ motivated enough, capable enough...(this list could go on forever).  I don't know how to be accepted or liked by people.  This is really hard for me because a lot of the time I feel like I just need to be able to accept the reality that I just am not all these things that I wish and aspire to be, but it's hard because I want to be these things.  I guess this is one of the great lies of my addiction.  I have implemented my eating disorder to try to fill the void and emptiness that I feel inside.  To make up for my shortcomings, however I of all people should know by now that that doesn't work, at all.  It only leads to more emptiness and despair.  Its very twisted that sometimes I feel myself craving those feelings of loneliness and sadness rather than happiness...Well tomorrow is a new day.  A fresh start, another day to try to solidify myself, values, worth, and to discover the things in this life that truly are important and hold value to me.  Today I am grateful that I can close my eyes, breath, and know that somehow, some way things will find their way of working out just how they need to!