Oh man, I am not too good at keeping up with being consistent with blogging everyday.  Oh well, I try. :)  My family and I are all very excited.  My brother Bryson and his cute wife Reagan are in the hospital expecting the birth of their twin boys!! I am so excited to welcome those sweet boys into this world. Identical twin boys! Ahh I can't believe it.  How fun!  Reagan will definitely be busy and have her hands full!! I can't imagine having twins.  She sure has been a trooper though throughout her pregnancy.  Right now the doctors are giving us the news that they are looking healthy, even though they are early things are looking up as of now, so that is really good news to hear.  I cannot wait to see them and to hold them.  I love holding babies.  Its got to be one of the greatest feelings in the world to be holding a baby and have them cuddle up against your body and have them fall asleep.  Oh I love that feeling!  I am excited for both Reagan and Bryson to have the opportunity to have kids and become parents.  They both have come a long ways in their lives, both of them in recovery from drug addiction.  I am excited for them to have this experience and grow from it.  They both are huge supporters and motivators to me in my own recovery.  They amaze me so much!  I really love them and feel grateful to have them both in my life.  Bryson sure choose well and is lucky to have someone as great as Reagan as his wife, which in turn makes me extremely lucky to have her as my sister in law :)  She is so beautiful, inside and out.  I just love them both so much!
Today kicks off the beginning of National Eating Disorder Awareness week! Woot Woot!  Dang, trying to recover from an eating disorder is no simple task.  I probably won't be the first to admit that it is HARD!  I am not always sure that I truly have the strength within myself to beat this.  Sometimes I question whether God really knew what he was doing when he decided to give me this trial...but I continue to hope that somehow He does have a plan and believes in my ability to recover and learn and grow from this challenge that is ever so present in my life.  It is hard to trust that I actually can do it though.  I do however believe in a FULL recovery.  I believe that one can actually be free from the chains that entangle their soul, body, heart, and being, I just haven't figured it out completely.  I can say though that I definitely am on the path.  That's what life is about though right, having trials come up along the journey, taking a few (or in my case many detours) and then getting back on the saddle and riding again; learning and becoming a better person because of the things we are faced with.  It's all a beautiful thing if you think about it.  
There are many experiences that I have had that I will eventually share, but for today I want to write about one.  So one day while I was at the Center, I was having a rough day and probably wasn't being my best self.  Poor techs, they sure have a hard job having to deal with me when I am wanting to be in my eating disorder and not wanting them to be making me eat or do the hard things that I don't want to be doing, yet still showing me love and support, ha for the most part:) Anyway, to say the least this particular day I was being a brat and being defiant.  One of the techs, her name is Caroline, she pulled me back and said, "Erin, what is going on?  I have a question for you, do you really want to recover?"  "I mean do you really want it this time?  I see your struggle and it makes me wonder where you are at with it all."  At first I was a bit taken back.  My first reaction was to be defensive and blow up at her.  I wanted to say, "Ya know what Caroline, no I don't want to!  You and everyone else needs to stay the hell away from me and quit making me do the shitty things that I DO NOT WANT TO DO!"  But instead of impulsively acting out and yelling that to her, I took a step back, breathed, and thought about it.  There was a lot of value in what Caroline was asking me.  That question however scared the crap out of me.  At that point I honestly didn't know the answer to that question.  I felt ashamed, weak, and hopeless that I didn't feel like I did have an answer to her question.  I felt a bit embarrassed by her approaching me with this conversation because she was one of the few techs that had been at the Center for all 3 times that I was there.  So I felt pressure, that I placed on myself, to have a solid answer to give her, heck, this was my third time through this process! Why hadn't I had it all figured out yet!  With my head down and staring at the ground I started crying and just had such an overwhelming feeling of loss come over me.  I felt lost and confused.  I didn't know what I was doing, or what I wanted.  I really kicked myself and wondered why I yet again made the decision to admit myself back to the Center for more intensive care.  I felt overwhelmed and wanted most to curl up in a ball and have someone kick me away into the corner and leave me there.  Caroline was very patient and loving towards me.  She waited for me to reply to her question.  I finally got out the words, "I don't know.  I don't know how to do this Caroline..."  My words for once weren't coming from a place of anger and defiance, but rather from a humbled teachable place.  I realized for that moment that I actually was powerless over my addiction that ran my life.  I was surprised with my ability to allow myself to be somewhat vulnerable to her and open up to her because Caroline was one of the techs that really intimidated me and I felt threatened by her.  I never really had a deep heart to heart conversation with her before, and that is my fault because I never allowed myself to be open with her, because I did have many opportunities that I could have.  Looking back now I feel sad that I didn't take advantage of the times that I could have grown closer to her.  She is very wise and has a heart that really does care and love.  I feel very blessed that she approached me and was willing to talk to me that night.  From that point on I really felt connected to Caroline and loved her.  As we talked, she too shared some personal hardships that she too has dealt with and still does.  This really allowed me to feel connected to her on a emotional and personal level that I so needed that night.  I feel like this, what may seem simple to others, but to me a very pivotal experience in my journey was a blessing.  I feel grateful to Caroline to be open to the inspiration from God ,I believe, to see the fact that I was hurting and struggling and needed her at that time to be an answer to my prayers.  At the end of our conversation she let me know that she loved me, and that she really did care about me and that she saw such a great strength and fight in me.  She said that she so badly wanted to see me beat my eating disorder and over come it to move on to better and greater things in life, and really live up to my potential.  She then embraced me with a hug.  I felt so touched by this encounter.  It is hard for me to hear people say and think good things about me, because I don't believe them about myself.  Like most women with eating disorders, I am very hard on myself and I felt honored in a way to hear from Caroline that she believed in me.  I don't know why I feel inspired to write about this particular experience today, maybe it is simply for myself.  Maybe this encounter I needed to be reminded of today to re-establish the things I know to be true and that I learned at the Center.  To help me recommit to myself to the goals for my life that I really want to accomplish.  And however, dying from my eating disorder happens to NOT be one of them!  I am so full of gratitude for all those in my life.  I don't even know how to thank everyone for being a support and friend to me.  This life is hard, and I selfishly think that at times I can and will do it completely on my own and don't need or want the help of those around me, all of you, and from my Heavenly Father, but I have to continually humble myself and admit that as much as I hate it, I do need help.  We weren't sent here to this Earth to do it alone, no one was.  My goal that I am going to have in mind this week with it being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, is that of I want to be able to fall in love with myself and life once again.  I want to continue to find happiness, and embrace myself and life that I was so graciously given to want to continue to keep living it and fighting for what I know to be true and live up to my full potential.  And this is only possible without an eating disorder.  I want to challenge everyone and anyone reading my blog, to begin to be mindful of those around you.  For everyone is fighting a hard fight in their own personal ways, some may be more apparent than others, but everyone at some point hurts inside.  Love those around you.  Say hi, smile, send a nice text, or even better snail mail!!  Help make someone else's day while in turn you too can make your own.

  At the Center, our yoga teacher LeAnne, whom by the way is amazing! Love her! At the end of each of her classes we would intertwine our fingers and reach them up toward the ceiling and lean our heads back and say, 'Namaste' She then would say, "now look up and smile, don't let this be the last smile of your day."  It may seem silly to others but I really took this to heart.  That phrase always made me reflect on my day and think humm...have I really been as kind and loving as I could have been today?  Did I smile and let those who I love and care about know how I feel about them?  Did I allow myself to enjoy today, and embrace one of the small gifts of smiling that comes with enjoying those who surround me?  I really liked that LeAnne would end each class with that.  It was a good time to reflect. 
I am keeping my fingers crossed that with it being a full moon and all that Reagan can have her baby boys and they can come into this world well and healthy! 

My cute family at Bryson and Reagan's wedding. November 17th, 2012